Brain Chemistry Problems Archives

emotional abuse

[ Brain Chemistry Problems Archive ]
[ Main Archives Page ] [ Glossary/Index ]
[ FAQ ] [ Recommended Books ] [ Bulletin Board ]
   Search this site!
 
        

emotional abuse

Posted by Denise on September 20, 2002 at 07:37:53:

What is the best way to deal with emotional abuse from someone (a relative) you live with? As in yelling, criticism, insulting, name calling, door slamming, etc. Leaving isn't an option right now due to financial reasons. I'm supporting this elderly person and trying to save money to get married. We co-own a home due to my youthful generosity and stupidity but I pay the bills. Title in both names, mortgage in just mine. I can't move in with my boyfriend because I have a dog and pets are not allowed. I should fight back but I feel bad doing it to an old person who was abused herself.



Re: emotional abuse

Posted by PhillyLady on September 20, 2002 at 10:17:25:

In Reply to: emotional abuse posted by Denise on September 20, 2002 at 07:37:53:

This person may not realize just how abusive she is. Abusers rarely see it. However, just because she was abused in the past does not mean that it's OK for her to pass on the abuse to you. She must stop victimizing you, and YOU must stop allowing her to victimize you. Confront her, and tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and that you do NOT deserve to be her emotional/verbal punching bag. You both could benefit from counseling. Also, seek legal counseling about the house and mortgage situation. By the way, how is her health and her social life? With ill health and no social life some people can be quiet cruel without meaning to be. Please do something now to change this unhappy situation. (Do nothing and it will continue). Good luck:-)



Re: emotional abuse

Posted by Terri-Lynn on September 20, 2002 at 10:58:53:

In Reply to: emotional abuse posted by Denise on September 20, 2002 at 07:37:53:

These are some of my thoughts on the subject;
I agree with Philly Lady first of all; There is no excuse, as long as we make one, then it makes it o.k. to be a terrorist ourself or allow others to stay there around us; Now though we can't change her we can change ourself, move out of this situation would be the best thing.
The biggest key for yourself though is not to take it personally no matter what, she is a sick person and needs help. Sounds like a person who has no God now in her life and has a lot of anger stored up; Remember we can be in bliss with whatever goes on around us by staying out of the head [of not getting into it with her, she said he said, fear, taking things personally, listening basically to all the tapes that play in our own head]and be in the heart;[this does not mean to be stupid]
Use tough love also, which is also the heart, opposite of heart is being in the head to much [listening to all that chatter that separates us]; Look into www.heartmath.org web site;
Never decide to stay some place because of security because then we are allowing a fear to rule us, financial insecurity; Do what you would love to do and where you would love to be, we all need to work towards those things to keep our spirit alive; Don't hold any of the trauma on your body, take a lot of deep breaths and keep busy serving some place in life where we are valued and appreciated;
Your in our hearts!



Re: emotional abuse

Posted by Denise on September 20, 2002 at 12:48:11:

In Reply to: Re: emotional abuse posted by PhillyLady on September 20, 2002 at 10:17:25:

Thanks. I plan on moving but I can't right away. I am thinking of marriage and don't want to buy another house now and then one with my future spouse a year from now. I can't go to an apartment because of my dog, so I plan to save money and stick it out for a while.

I do confront her, I just can't yell and call names like she does. I can't do that to an old person. Last night she told me I was fat, which I'm not (size 4, 127 lbs) and she is afraid of what her friends would say about it. I just told her that was rude and walked away. I get upset because I'm the one paying the bills. Her health is good, despite the fact she eats nothing but garbage and watches TV all day. I'm the one with MCS and insulin resistance even though I eaT well and exerise alot.

I think counseling would be good, but right now I am trying to save money to buy another house. I could probably do one session. She definately would not go because she thinks she is right. My boyfriend wants to get married but I don't want to jump into things just to get away from my present situation.

I was looking more for supplements that help with stress.



Re: emotional abuse

Posted by Denise on September 20, 2002 at 12:53:48:

In Reply to: Re: emotional abuse posted by Terri-Lynn on September 20, 2002 at 10:58:53:

You are correct. She was an abused child and I'm sure she has alot of anger. But she considers herself religious which turns me off of religion because of how she treats me. All I see is hypocracy.

I do plan to move but I'm considering marriage right now and don't want to make a snap decision I will regret later. I do need to buy a house because of my dog, so I am saving money to do that.

Do you have any suggestions on how to not let this bother me? Right now I mostly ignore her.

Follow Ups:


Re: emotional abuse

Posted by Vince F on September 20, 2002 at 21:36:30:

In Reply to: emotional abuse posted by Denise on September 20, 2002 at 07:37:53:

Having to deal with a Difficult grandfather
I can sympathize. Someone can get to some
people and others can handle them easily.

Not taking things personally makes it a
lot easier. Understanding the person would
help. Trying to get them to explain what is
bothering them can defuse the situation. Try
to deal with them like an outsider.

My grandfather could be the Nicest guy in
the world OR the nastiest. He could erupt if
aggrivated and anyone who he got mad at
Could be overwhelmed. Maybe as a child he
treated me great that I wasn't going to let
some irritation, Usually not caused by me,
make me loose my love for him. He could just
walk into the room and jump on you for
nothing BUT there was a reason. Usually it
was venting because he didn't or couldn't in
another situation. I Knew this so would tell
him Not to give me a hard time and to give it
to the people who deserved it. He would Laugh
and tell me I was pretty smart.

I Loved to talk to him since he was Old, in
his 90's when I had a lot of contact with him
again and he could tell me about the early
1900's since he was born in 1884. All of a
sudden he would get angry about situations he
had to deal with and maybe jump on me. I
would stop him and ask him Why he was giving
me a hard time. I would tell him that he
was treating me like a Stranger and I Wanted
to respect him if only because he was my
grandfather but also because of his age but
he was making it VERY hard and if he
continued to treat me like a stranger I would
treat him like one. He would laugh and tell
me I was pretty perceptive.

My parents didn't get along well with him
and they argued a lot. Of course they had
reasons But you can't tell someone what to
do Especially if they are your senior and
you have to find a way to get them to do
something. You Couldn't force gramps to do
anything and many people learned the hard
way.

I am a lot like my grandfather and will
explode when frustrated though I Hate to be
in that position so maybe that's why it
happens. It sure feels better to vent than to
keep things in and Gramps lived to be 104
before a hospital killed him while my dad
only made it to 84.

I used to laugh when people told me what
gramps did when they tried to push him to do
something while my mother would get
embarrased. She would tell me that he cursed
her and I would ask what She did and usually
she was trying to Push him to do something
She wanted him to. She never learned how to
deal with him and some things he just
wouldn't do or didn't see the need that she
did.

VF

Follow Ups:


Re: emotional abuse (Archive in brain chemistry.)

Posted by Walt Stoll on September 21, 2002 at 08:02:53:

In Reply to: Re: emotional abuse posted by Denise on September 20, 2002 at 12:48:11:

Hi, Denise.

As a dog lover, myself, I surely understand that you are not willing to sacrifice him to this situation.

The chances are that your situational stress is a major cause of your MCS as well.

How did you ever get into the situation where the title of the house is in both your names and the mortgage only in yours????

Other responders have given good advice. To start with, I would suggest one counseling session.

So far as supplements are concerned: I would be very surprised if they would help you but they might help HER attitude. A balanced B complex 100 twice a day, along with some of the essential oils (home page) and some whole food concentrates could make a lot of difference in a few weeks.

People who feel bad tend to act bad. She might be structurally "healthy" but at her age, with her diet, she is not likely functionally healthy.

Let us know what happens.

Walt

Follow Ups:


Re: emotional abuse

Posted by Me on September 21, 2002 at 21:59:49:

In Reply to: Re: emotional abuse posted by Denise on September 20, 2002 at 12:48:11:

Hi,
I strongly recommend that you begin practicing SR (skilled relaxation) of some type. Personally I do the Centerpointe CD, but there are many modalities (hypnotherapy, etc.) to deal with the stress.

You said that you exercise; that is good. I would continue doing that.

I agree with Philly Lady; the abuse will continue until you put a stop to it. It may help you to look at **her behavior** instead of thinking of her as an elderly person. What she is doing is wrong, no matter how old she is.

Me

Follow Ups:


[ Brain Chemistry Problems Archive ]
[ Main Archives Page ] [ Glossary/Index ]
[ FAQ ] [ Recommended Books ] [ Bulletin Board ]
   Search this site!