It's not as tempting to rebel against yourself, although fun I've no doubt. As visions of Fight Club come dancing into my head... 
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Hi Walt,
I know you and I share history of difficult fathers. I am sure there are others on the board who also do, and daughters with their mothers as well.
There are health implications in lamed parental relationships, and the chance to resolve them is a gift. I recently received such a gift.
Jim
* * * * * * * *
Father swerved just in time. He missed the telephone pole, but the car still hit the curb at twenty miles an hour, an axle-trashing event. After a tow to the garage the next day, a mechanic offered to buy it for cheap since the family had no money to fix it anyway. Father walked the five miles to work each day for the next week or so.
The problem, my father said, was the headlights on the 1934 Studebaker. "They were not very good.” That is why he was so surprised to see a telephone pole suddenly in front of his windshield that dark night.
Grandfather came to our rescue and handed down his car to us for easy payments, an eight year old, ‘38 Chevy; a generous gesture, to be sure, but then, Grandpa wanted to buy a Dodge anyway, and that is one of the reasons he was so willing to give up his car. That is what Father said. I was three then. I do not remember any of it.
I do remember the Chevy. I poured water from the hose down the gas tank one day, thinking I was helping. I was too young to be punished, but it was clear to me from father’s red faced muttering that I had done wrong.
I smiled at the memory as Father told this tale the other night, and Sharon and I exchanged amused glances as he went on to tell the entire family history, stringing it together from one car to the next, right up to the present day. He created a tribal history necklace of “auto” memory, as vivid as any carved and brightly painted clan totem ever was.
He is eighty-six now and has moved in with us. (A long story) We hear his tales often now, and we know it is important for him to reminisce. He has told the story of our life by the cities where we have lived, by jobs he has held, and by the series of what he considers lucky choices he has made, but never before in terms of cars we have owned.
I know the stories. Sharon knows most of them too. But we listen quietly. It is not conversation; it is a soliloquy, and we let him wax on, because that is one of the things you do when a parent comes to live with you at the end of his life.
As Father’s grasp of recent memory weakens, he strives to hold his place in time by telling stories that place him at a culminating point of all that came before. He has always been a fiercely independent person (You could also read: unreasonable, stubborn, old fart). The “now” has become a frightening and unreliable arena for a guy who always prided himself on being in control, but who can no longer always remember what happened the day before.
I have a lot of negative history with my father, so my buttons are constantly being pushed. But it is a rare opportunity for me to work through some stuff from the perspective of watching a scaled down version of his demanding “tyranny” (as I always saw it). At this point I can clearly see the spoiled and frightened child behind his ways, and his basic good intentions, and my heart has softened.
Believe me when I tell you this experience is very much about acceptance and forgiveness (thanks ktj), and I am glad to be of an age where I am receptive to the chance for personal change which the circumstance offers, and happy I can finally give the old man something he wants and needs. I don’t know, maybe psychologizing the situation is just a lame attempt to keep my sanity, but I am optimistic.
The past is over but for the echoes, and role reversal is the soup du jour. It is a dish that can be sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter. I am hoping for some heartwarming stories to come out of our living arrangement.
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Jim, you are so wise to realize you need to let your father "wax on". What I wouldn't give to hear my own dad reminisce awhile more. I wish well for you and your family.
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
This is one of the most beautiful things you have written. Thanks for sharing.
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Jim H, We can never repay what our parents gave us ( the greatest gift ) life..The only thing you can give back to them is your time, when they reach the end of their life..After it's over you will be so glad you were there and a better person because of it..I remember only to well the late nite calls to come and fix some silly little thing that could have waited..The lunch every week even when I had change my schedule and go out of my way..To here them say we are proud of you ( even if they don't they are ) is pricless..Silver Fox!
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Bless you Jim!
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Hi Jim,
Nice work, a always, but I'm not going to let you off so easily...:) as I'll be curious if your sanity holds and your heartwarming stories develop. I believe the health implications from emotionally negative childhoods doesn't get enough play time here, as such issues can keep one spiraling in the past on a never-ending merry-go-round of suppressed emotions, which leads to health problems and eventually to holistic websites.
I have little doubt of your potential for success based on your optimism and view of the situation as a gift. I'd like to be able to follow in your footsteps (or at least your mental steps), but whoa, just the thought of having to once again live with my past tyrant is enough to think seriously about a swan dive from the 26th floor of my apartment. So I have to ask (knowing that our pasts might be uncomparable and what works for one might not for another) how did you get there? Intellectually, I can easily tell myself to forgive the past, since it is in the past. Plus, to not forgive only causes self-harm, besides which I can see that the tyrant is decent enough today. But knowing what one should do and actually doing it almost becomes a leap of faith, something I'm not too good at. It's hard to forgive a loss of childhood.
Some might think this subject should be conducted through email, but if you're up for sharing a little more insight, I'd rather it be put out in the open in case there are others here who are willing to jump in, especially since you mentioned that Walt has been there, too. I believe the subject is as important as any physical ailment.
I know it comes down to letting it go, but can one do that completely? Any insights? Jim? Walt? Others?
FW
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on November 29, 2003 at 18:24:12:
FW, I can't imagine what you and others have gone through..I had 2 loving and caring parents and thought ( as a kid ) that every else did too..Why do some have rotten childhoods, for the same reason some are born in third world countries..We all have things of the past we would like to change, but you can go back to the place but not the time..Strive to make each day from here foward the best you can make it..Tell some one you love them, hug your dog, take a walk in the park, breathe the fresh air and thank God you are on this side of the ground..Silver Fox!
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on November 29, 2003 at 18:24:12:
FW
Thanks for the compliment and the invitation, but I’m not too good at talking or writing “about” things. Unfortunately, I don’t even know what wisdom or forgiveness means. When I said my heart had softened, what I meant is that while it still gets wounded, it no longer breaks as it used to, and I suppose that has happened as a function of age. Grow old. I recommend it.
Jim
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Hi Jim:
How beautifully you express your thoughts.
Your father, no doubt, is fully aware of the role reversal too. And how touched he must be knowing that, out of all the paths you could have taken, you chose to accept him and love him.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on November 29, 2003 at 18:24:12:
Hi FW:
This subject need not be carried to email. There is a legitimate need for such a topic here.
Healing the entire being includes addressing all the various layers that make up that being, be they physical, emotional or spiritual. You see, one rotten spot deep inside can seep into the other layers and contaminate them quite effortlessly. All layers depend on each other for life. Therefore, all must be nurtured.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by Steve on November 29, 2003 at 20:03:17:
Hi Steve,
Don't worry, I'm very thankful to be on this side of the ground. I've worked on wellness for a long time and things are going well, but digging up the past and trying to deal with it is relatively new for me and I'd like to get a better handle on it. I grew up suspicious of all authority figures because of that past and have always marveled at people that grew up as you did. The concept of a loving father continues to be a foreign one to me, though things have softened considerably over the years. So I know you can't understand where I am coming from on this issue. I'm always amazed when I talk to someone who has been in similar shoes, understands these issues well, and found a way to let the past go completely. It's a work in progress for me.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 20:37:51:
Hey Jim,
I'm as old today as I want to be, and things are going well. But I know I've got that small tumor from the past lingering inside that needs to be cut out while my roots are still relatively stable. I'd rather not wait for some magical old age where it suddenly withers away. It keeps me stunted in unforseen ways. No doubt more whole foods, meditation, qi qong, nature walks, and wild women are in order.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by PhillyLady on November 29, 2003 at 21:11:48:
Hi PhillyLady,
Well I'm in total agreement. Unfortunately, I'm no longer sure what is or isn't considered an appropriate discussion on this site. I believe it is, too, but there appears to be a crowd gathering that would disagree.
I think that rotten spot seeped into all of my layers when I was younger, contaminating much of my earlier days. Wellness has remediated much of that contamination, and now I'm zeroing in on the roots of that rotten spot. I believe I have excavated the location of those roots, but am still trying to grab a hold of them and yank them out. So I'm always interested and fascinated by anyone that has successfully done it.
BTW, I do love it when you use the word nurture.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on November 29, 2003 at 21:41:49:
Hi FW:
Let Dr. Stoll tell you what is appropriate and what isn’t. The dictates of others are insignificant in this respect and are best ignored.
As for the word “nurture”, it’s such a simple word, but without it, without nurture, nothing living can thrive. No physical/emotional/spiritual body can function effectively without it. I suppose without nurture, you wither.
I’m well aware of this fact. I nurtured in my own way this past Thanksgiving. I made sure all three of my friend’s dogs were petted and held.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by PhillyLady on November 29, 2003 at 22:04:33:
Lucky dogs.
So, PL, can you relate to this issue and if you can, did you deal with it personally; did you successfully pull those roots (if you did and don't want to share, I understand)?
Even if you didn't, I gather by your message that nurturing, in some way, would be your answer. Nurturing with whole foods, SR, exercise, generally being good to the body? Do you think those roots will wither away simply by wellness, or do you have other insights/methods on how to deal with that rotten spot?
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on November 29, 2003 at 22:29:53:
Hi FW:
I don't know when I realized that nurture was key to health. Maybe I've always known. My mother was (still is)very nurturing. When I came home from school in the winter, my slippers would be waiting for me in the oven. Yes, she warmed my slippers in the oven. Friends find that funny. But Mom was very loving.
I have a tendency to want to do the same with people close to me. For some reason I've picked friends who didn't have this kind of nurturing. It's amazing what LOVE can do. It's a true, living power capable of healing. Accepting another human being when no one ever accepted him/her before is good for the soul.
My issues are different from yours and Jim's. As a very timid child, my school days weren't always pleasant. So those would be my issues.
But, start healing something - one of your layers, or all of your layers if you can manage. Oh, by the way, I think that for some people, writing is one path to wellness. I'm sure you know that already.
Well, I'm off to bed now. The brain's getting sleepy. But we can discuss this further another time if you'd like.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by PhillyLady on November 29, 2003 at 22:57:27:
Hi PL,
So Love is the Answer (sounds like a song or two). I think that's beautifully said, and true I'm sure. I'm no expert on children, but my experience tells me that it really doesn't take much to make them happy. Acceptance and love, everything else is a bonus.
I have a brother-in-law with a similar past - and amazingly enough he and I are able to discuss these things in detail - and for him, he feels that a child unloved by one of its parents continues to carry an unfulfilled hole, searching for that love. He's a christian and says he has filled that hole with the love of God, and, of course, believes that is the answer for everyone.
Trust me, I've healed many of those layers (which is part of the reason I am able to avoid the negative nonsense that goes on here), but know I'm still trying to yank out those few remaining roots. In talking to my sister and brother-in-law, they both feel they were able to move on once they realized the cause and came to those intellectual conclusions about it being in the past and that the problems belonged to that parent, not them. I have another sister, like me, who has come to all of these realizations but still clings to some of that anger.
Wellness has reduced the majority of that anger and whatever remains is under lock and key, but I know I need to get rid of the cage once and for all. And yes, writing has been key for me. I've got boxes of old journals filled with cathartic ramblings about this past (I should probably set a match to them before I croak and they fall into the wrong hands).
Your mother sounds marvelous. I would be amazed to learn of just the luxury of having your slippers waiting for you by the door, but to actually have them warming in the oven! Winter sounds like a good place in your home.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by PhillyLady on November 29, 2003 at 22:57:27:
Hi PhillyLady,
I'm quickly skimming the board as I'm bogged down with some huge assignments that are due very soon, but I just wanted to tell you that this post made me cry. It was so sweet and sincere and sad and nice...
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on November 30, 2003 at 00:17:10:
Hi FW
The biggest thing I did for myself in healing from a poor relationship with my mother was to become powerful (self empowered) again. A classic technique of abusers (calculated or not) is to try and force another as much as they can to give their power away to the abuser, so that the abuser has total control. Of course this is much easier with children, who naturally put control in their parents hands anyway. After looking deeply at my life, I realized that even after leaving the enviroment, I had begun to recreate similar enviroments in my life via the coping mechanisms and learned mindsets which I created during my childhood. In my case (and probably very common in most) this boiled down to victimhood (no sense of control of one's life - giving your power away to someone or something else) and self-hatred. As a result I spent a good 5 years as a bulimic (though 4 of them were healing myself), where the reflections of self-hatred (not being good enough) and victimhood were played out with every binge and purge cycle. Funny as it seems, stuffing yourself then throwing everything up gave some sense of having control in my life...
So I began to look around for other ways I was perpetuating this victimhood and self-hatred. I began to organize every person, situation, job, etc into constructive and destructive (for me). I got rid of and steared clear of all in the destructive category (including my mother), and I began to give myself exercises to regain my power. For example, I had always avoided conflict because it made me uncomfortable. I realized that this was a side effect of having the fear of not being good enough. So I made it a point to force myself into situations where conflict was needed and constructive (like questioning a wrong charge on a bill for example), and to stand up for myself without being nasty to the other person. Eventually I got to the point where I furthered conflict probably when it wasn't needed. ha ha I went a little overboard in other words. But that too was helpful, at least for me. I also began to uncover other fears lurking in my everyday thoughts and create situations where I would face them.
I lived on the edge for a long time, just because that gave me so many opportunities to prove to myself that I can take care of myself, and I'm inherently good just the way I am at any moment in time. I learned there's no room for guilt, blame, shame, or any other manipulative tactics in my life (giving or receiving).
About 6 years after not having talked to my mom, I decided what the hell, I'll call her up. So I did, and that started about 1.5 years of communicating mostly by email, but I also saw her a few times. I learned a lot in that time, mostly that she had not changed one lick, but more importantly, that I had changed tremendously. I was untouchable! She eventually became so frustrated that she could not manipulate and control me anymore that she became emotionally and verbally violent again, and I decided no more. I was very happy though, because I still felt completely free of the manipulation and victim mentality that I had learned so well as a kid in order to cope.
Writing has also helped me tremendously since I could first form words with my pencil. I remember having a major breakthrough in this whole healing process when I wrote a tremendously raw and honest poem about my life as a child and how my coping with it managed to bleed into my adult life. Writing has also helped me really dig into the whole range of emotions and express them as I please without worrying about backlash.
I've recently come to the idea that a more aware part of me has planned important events in my life, and I planned them for a reason. In this light, I see myself as being born to the parents I picked and as something I chose. Asking myself why would I choose them? and how can I best learn from this? has been the best blessing for growth.
I recently visited a woman who reads auras though, and she mentioned something that she saw that made me question whether I still have work to do in the area... I can say I'm happy with how far I've come so far.
The biggest physical help has been to get off of sugar. I was always a sugar addict, but when I wasn't eating sugar I was a "health nut". Sugar really played with my head though, and I'm convinced that had I gotten rid of it earlier I would have been more emotionally and chemically stable. Then again sugar was a big issue from my childhood... so it was surely much more than "physical".
Oh how I would love oven heated slippers!! That PL is a lucky lady...
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Thanks, Jim, for the early Christmas Present.
We will all, one day, become old (if we do not die early). Stories like this will help our families cope with us.
Namaste`
Walt
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by thessa on November 30, 2003 at 06:14:44:
Hi Thessa,
Thanks for the tremendous response. I think you’ve hit on some issues I need to spend more time on. One of the frustrating things for me these days is that I still feel I’ve got some demons to exorcise even after years of cathartic writings and self-analysis. Mentally and emotionally I’m in a better place than I have ever been in before, and yet I sometimes feel cloaked in my father’s skin. In talks with my sister and brother-in-law, they sometimes recognize behaviors they don’t like that originate from their parents. They are on the look out for these behaviors in order to eliminate them or keep them in check, but feel they have healed and moved on from those issues, whereas I want to completely cut out that history and won’t be satisfied until every last remnant has been excavated to the cellular level.
Most of my efforts have been focused on my father’s rage, lack of love, and some creepy things he did. As a result I turned into a leader of the rebellious youth movement. I had no respect for authority figures of any kind, whether that authority figure was a parent (anyone’s parent) a teacher, the law, an employer, or even the voice of reason and common sense. Not too long ago I realized I was still rebelling against that voice of reason. For instance, on a day I was feeling ill and was frustrated by the health setback, instead of preparing a nourishing meal, I ate something unhealthy, shaking my fist at the Gods of Health as I was doing so. And so I came to realize I was even rebelling against what was good for me because the voice that champions what one should do was another authoritative voice. So I’m still learning to take better care of myself.
Reading your response made me think of how controlling my mother is and that perhaps I have focused too much on my father. I have two sisters that have gone through counseling because of what they feel was my mother’s controlling and manipulative behavior. When I was a child, my mother was the nurturer and a safe place for me to go to in contrast to Mr. Rage, and yet if I think about what you said as to who is zapping my power, I realize she is the one that I continued to cave into (our relationship has been kind of shaky for awhile because I've been fighting back over the past year or so without being totally aware as to why I was doing so). My father has mellowed and is a rather decent sort, although totally self-absorbed into his own little world, whereas my mother continues to try and control everything. She absolutely loves and lives for her kids, but doesn’t realize she puts us in our place a lot in order to take that control. I think that might be why I sometimes procrastinate and not do what I should, because I developed a habit of giving in, which leads to wanting to zone out and not do anything. Even after reading your response, my initial desire was to zone out so as not to think about, and thus deal with, these issues. The feeling almost won and I was tempted to escape to a silly computer game I play sometimes when I’m in the mood to vegetate (BTW, I only play one computer game on occasion and it’s your fault because you posted the link for it a few months back – called Crypt Raider…argghhh). I realized just before I zoned out what I was about to do and fought off the temptation.
I, too, have always tried to avoid conflicts for the reason's you cite. And we have a similar issue with sugar. Everyone in my family is addicted to the sweet stuff. I was just at home this holiday and watched them all indulge in cookies, pies, and other desserts, and sugar (white sugar) was even in most of the "healthy" main course items. So maybe we were siblings in an earlier life (but at least this time I chose a family in the Wolverine state; why in the world did you choose Ohio?).
Well, it sounds as if I'm following in your footsteps on the emotional issues. If only I could be nestled between your assertiveness and PhillyLady's nurturing, I'd be enveloped in a good place.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by thessa on November 30, 2003 at 06:14:44:
I know this is a little conversation between you too[thessa and FW and possibly Philly] and it is sort of clumsy of me to inject myself. Therefore I'm just going to say something very briefly.
Thanks so much for sharing your stories -- your issues and struggles and triumphs, they were beautiful and inspiring. Since you are two of the most creative and intelligent people here, I really think it's a gift to everyone that you opened up and let us see your hearts' and souls' and reminded us that we are all human and all connected...
In Reply to: for thessa and FW posted by gabriella on November 30, 2003 at 16:47:21:
Hi gabriella,
Thanks for the incredibly nice compliments, it's good to know there is at least one other person out there who appreciates these kinds of discussions (though I'm sure there are more). But don't worry about injecting yourself into the conversation. It is in no way limited to Thessa and me and PhillyLady. It's a topic of special interest to me, and the more that join in the better. I'll take all the different perspectives and insights I can get.
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Good one, Broji. You are a saint as well as a fine, fine writer. I already knew that, though.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by gabriella on November 30, 2003 at 01:49:00:
Thanks Gabriella:
I'm glad you were able to read it:-)
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on November 30, 2003 at 00:17:10:
Hi FW:
Although I had a very loving mother, I also had three older brothers, one of whom took great delight in tormenting his little sister.
Remnants of anger at past offenses can be one of those rotten spots we talked about. But anger certainly had its place at one time. It allowed you to recognize when something was out of balance, and not right for your well-being. But then, what to do with the anger later on?
I believe that "healing through the senses" is one way to deal with pain and anger. Mainly by nurturing your senses in a positive, non-destructive way, you can get a large amount of healing. It may not be effective for everyone, but I don't believe it could ever hurt anyone either.
1. Art, beauty, something for the eye to appreciate. Museums, photography.
2. Food - Not overeating but learning to savor fine food, even fine wine if you're so inclined. You are worth it. Share dinner with a friend. Join a gourmet club.
3. Body - Massage, energy work, scented bath, a special cologne, exercise, sports.
4. Music - Music is healing too. I last paid my bills while listening to Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons". Since I must apply my signature at the bottom of the check, why not do it to Summer's crescendo?
5. A Friend(s) - Someone you can confide in. The one who accepts you "warts and all" and will still give you a hug no matter what. Everyone has a friend somewhere, even if you haven't met yet.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by PhillyLady on November 29, 2003 at 20:51:49:
Thank you, PhillyLady, for your response. I am sorry that dialoging on the board is not for me, but I have followed the thread and am touched by the posts.
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Thanks for taking the time to encourage me and share.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 30, 2003 at 22:39:03:
Hi Jim:
That's ok. My comments don't always require a response. Being able to post is good enough for me:-)
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by Kyra on November 30, 2003 at 20:52:12:
....as you well know. Always fine to hear from you, spiritual sister.
In Reply to: Re: for thessa and FW posted by FW on November 30, 2003 at 20:47:13:
Hi FW,
You're welcome. I bet you anything that there are many people out here in the ethers that appreciate your discussion even if they never say so. I think it's really important for people to be aware of just how pervasive dysfunctional families are, and especially if they recognize similarities to their own families, people can really be of help to one another. It's very smart of you to be open to as much feedback as you can get.
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Hi Jim,
Thanks for sharing your story, it was really touching. I believe that many people are not as lucky as Silver Fox is to have two wonderful and loving parents, but you're lucky too.
By living with your father and seeing him in all his multi-dimensions now, as he becomes more human and childlike at the same time, along with his reminiscing, you have a chance to come full circle. It should fill in the gaps and holes, answer some questions, let you feel some tenderness and possibly some love towards him, and provide you with some closure. And if he pisses you off, now you can really tell him where to go - just kidding!
Good luck, I'm sure it will work out just fine.
In Reply to: History By Car posted by Jim H. on November 29, 2003 at 13:34:17:
Hi Jim
You know, I always read your creations and simply appreciate them silently. I don't think I've ever told you that I sit back and contemplate every one that I get to. Not just the stories, and how they relate to my life, but also your writing style and perspective.
thanks for posting them!
thessa
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on November 30, 2003 at 11:33:49:
Some random thoughts as I reread your post.
You're doing a fantastic job of sniffing out and investigating.... I know you're a bit impatient to get to some point in the future, but you're fabulous now. I would hope you know that coming from me, with our history, that's not just a psycho-boost, but a sincere comment. Of course that doesn't mean you won't change as the revelations come to you... but I hope you are enjoying where you are and yourself in the process, and the fact that you are even in the process...
Authority figures? What's that??? hhahaha I've learned the head of all authority figures where I am concerned is me [img]http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/grinser/grinning-smiley-018.gif[/img] It's not as tempting to rebel against yourself, although fun I've no doubt. As visions of Fight Club come dancing into my head... [img]http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/aktion/action-smiley-051.gif[/img]
I wonder how the dynamics between your mom and dad effect their parenting styles and relationships with the kids then and now?
Reading your post is almost like reading one of my own journal entries. I get into trouble with my friends a lot because it sometimes takes me months to respond to an email. I can relate to procrastination... (btw, glad you like Crypt Raider! can you post that link again?! I've lost it...) I'm still working on it too, because I get that feeling of "dread" about doing certain things... I say dread, but it's a very particular kind of dread that I can't quite describe to the tee. I usually succeed in blasting through the dread and getting the job done, but I know it's a good sign when the dread never comes in the first place...
Sometimes I wonder if I picked the location and parents I did because it was the only thing available at the time [img]http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/lachen/laughing-smiley-010.gif[/img]
And that really puts things into perspective.
[img]http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/aktion/action-smiley-027.gif[/img]
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by thessa on December 01, 2003 at 04:40:09:
Some random thoughts as I reread your post.
You're doing a fantastic job of sniffing out and investigating.... I know you're a bit impatient to get to some point in the future, but you're fabulous now. I would hope you know that coming from me, with our history, that's not just a psycho-boost, but a sincere comment. Of course that doesn't mean you won't change as the revelations come to you... but I hope you are enjoying where you are and yourself in the process, and the fact that you are even in the process...
Authority figures? What's that??? hhahaha I've learned the head of all authority figures where I am concerned is me It's not as tempting to rebel against yourself, although fun I've no doubt. As visions of Fight Club come dancing into my head...
I wonder how the dynamics between your mom and dad effect their parenting styles and relationships with the kids then and now?
Reading your post is almost like reading one of my own journal entries. I get into trouble with my friends a lot because it sometimes takes me months to respond to an email. I can relate to procrastination... (btw, glad you like Crypt Raider! can you post that link again?! I've lost it...) I'm still working on it too, because I get that feeling of "dread" about doing certain things... I say dread, but it's a very particular kind of dread that I can't quite describe to the tee. I usually succeed in blasting through the dread and getting the job done, but I know it's a good sign when the dread never comes in the first place...
Sometimes I wonder if I picked the location and parents I did because it was the only thing available at the time 
And that really puts things into perspective.
In Reply to: for thessa and FW posted by gabriella on November 30, 2003 at 16:47:21:
Thanks gabriella! I agree with FW... of course it's not a closed discussion, and any contributions are welcome.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car - Let me try this again - with working smilies posted by thessa on December 01, 2003 at 04:47:26:
You can be my authority figure anytime! (Imagine I linked one of those smiley faces right here, since I don't know how) Just kidding, of course, as I understand where you are coming from as you being the head of all authority figures. Most of the time I feel that way, too, but I must admit I fail to sustain it at times. I'm climbing up that snowy mountain, but lose my footing sometimes and slide into the occasional crevice. It's too darn cold down there so usually I quickly scamper back up. And thanks for the sincerity, I often do feel fabulous - especially when you tell me so - (One more smiley face here).
Mostly I do enjoy the process, but am impatient at times, too. As I had admitted a while back in another post, I do continue to work with a counselor. Talk about a fabulous person, she is it. I think working with a counselor gets a bad rap, as many people on this board like to use it as an insult (often stated as such: you need counseling you *&%@* moron!!!) (imagine debating smiley/grumpy faces here). I think most people imagine counseling as this serious invasive penetrating frightening probing look into the depths of their psyche, which is only needed for whacked out schizophrenic nut cases. No doubt that is the case for some. I seeked out counseling because I felt I was failing to get to the bottom of some things, and am glad I hooked up with her because it has actually been a lot of fun. We usually have a lot of laughs whenever we meet and she has guided my search in very useful ways. I highly recommend it for anyone out there following this thread that is in a similar place. I may have eventually gotten to where I am without her help, but she has definitely helped in so many ways. For instance, when thinking of my childhood, it is hard to remember things correctly. Unlke your mother, my father has become a decent old man. So when I see how he is today, I often question my memory: was it as bad as I thought it was, am I only remembering the bad and forgetting the good, did some of the things he did affect me or not, etc. I once told her about one of the creepy things my father did (she was the first person I ever told), but I did so in this nonchalant way as being something he did that did not affect me. Her reaction to it opened my eyes. Since then, with her help, I've been able to retrace my steps to that event and see how it set me off on a terribly wrong path.
The dynamics between my parents and their parenting styles and how this effected our relationships is a complex issue. They are opposite personalities, and how they managed to stay together all these years is a mystery. Plus I think their roles have changed, from my father being dominant early to the opposite now. A book could be written on that subject, and I have only scratched the surface.
I can't quite describe that procrastination/dread feeling either. I'll keep working on it.
Okay, here's the crypt raider link. Now here is the silliest of silly questions: what level have you gotten too? You know, I secretly hate this game.
BTW, I just printed out your response on the whole foods diet for children thread. I'm gluten intolerant, too, and have to do a better job of using those nongrain grains you mentioned.
Oh, and imagine more smiley/mooning faces here...:)
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by PhillyLady on November 30, 2003 at 22:32:24:
Good ideas, PL.
Pampering myself is a relatively new concept for me. Even using the word pamper, from a guy that was brought up to be macho, still feels a little funny.
About a month ago I bought a new vase and three purple astor mums. It was the first time I had ever bought myself flowers. I set them in the middle of my new round espresso-colored dining table and they looked fabulous. Since then I buy a couple of flowers every week (every time I do so, the lady behind the counter always asks me if the flowers are a gift and I always say no - even though they are a gift to me - and I notice she never asks this question to the women that are buying flowers). It makes me think I am the only man in Chicago that buys flowers for himself.
I've also been reading this book called The Artist's Way, and one of the assignments is to take yourself out once a week on an artist's date, by seeing a film, going to an art museum, a gallery, etc., so I've been trying to do that weekly for some time now.
I'm also doing qi qong, which I think helps, and occasionally some of the other things you mentioned. More massages are no doubt needed though.
So your suggestions are right on, so how about a hug - I don't even have any warts...:)
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by FW on December 01, 2003 at 09:51:47:
Hi FW:
Yes, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. It's so wonderful that you can buy yourself flowers and see the beauty in a small piece of life sitting in a vase.
One can spend years intellectualizing childhood pain and reaching a point where there is complete understanding of that pain. But what then? How do you gradually eliminate that pain? Well, you then feed the soul. And, with this thought I am reminded of the Hyacinths poem:
Hyacinths to Feed Thy Soul
If of thy Mortal Goods thou art bereft,
And from thy slender store two loaves alone
to thee are left,
Sell one, and with the dole
Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by PhillyLady on December 01, 2003 at 10:09:25:
Hi FW:
The hug will have to be a cyber hug. My arms don't reach to Chicago. Here it is: (( ))
Another poster named George asked the ladies for a hug about 2 weeks ago. He got quite a few responses from them.
In Reply to: P.S. Here's That Hug. posted by PhillyLady on December 01, 2003 at 10:18:52:
Thanks PhillyLady,
Hugs back (( )) And some flowers, too:
OOO ***
!!! !!!
Well, I tried...
In Reply to: Re: for thessa and FW posted by thessa on December 01, 2003 at 05:58:12:
Thanks thessa I appreciate that and in the future I won't feel any hesitation. It's just kind of strange when you can't see anybody, but I'm getting used to it...
In Reply to: Re: for thessa and FW posted by gabriella on December 01, 2003 at 16:36:13:
That isn't entirely true. Everyone who's anyone can be found here. Except for you. (maybe next "edition").
In Reply to: Re: History By Car posted by PhillyLady on November 30, 2003 at 22:32:24:
Hi PhillyLady,
I totally agree with statement "But anger certainly had its place at one time. It allowed you to recognize when something was out of balance, and not right for your well-being. But then, what to do with the anger later on"?
Anger really does tell you that something is wrong, it's a crucial warning sign, and to answer your question, I don't think it should change with age or, later on, as you put it.
I think one should always have a way of knowing when they are being hurt or taken advantage of in some way. How they react to it is what counts, but maybe that's what you meant?
I know feeling anger can be very disconcerting, I don't like it and don't like what I may do with it, but if I don't allow myself to feel it, then I won't have any way to protect myself, i.e. to even know something is out of wack. And you know one's reaction can vary a lot depending on the other person, the situation, one's mood, so many things really.
I really love your sensual approach to pain, healing, life or whatever. I so love the arts, they're at my core, I can't imagine a life without music, museums, gourmet food, etc....Your real name should be PhillySensualLady.
In Reply to: Re: for gabriella posted by Archivist. on December 01, 2003 at 16:48:33:
Aw shucks, well, maybe as you say, next edition.
In Reply to: Re: for gabriella posted by gabriella on December 01, 2003 at 17:19:12:
Tell me your goal in life, mlady, and the Artists of the Keep shall render your likeness.