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Sharon said to me a couple of weeks ago, “The tires are wearing out”
Uh oh. Even male intuition as ragtag as mine began to activate at this
statement. When I say activate, I mean panic. All my little male insight
helpers began running around waving their arms wildly in the air and
bumping into each other. This alarm was going off in that place of knowing
in men where there is a power that has nearly reached the level of instinct,
and it tells us when women are up to something. The trouble is, we never
figure out what it is they are up to before it is too late. But we know
something is coming.
My lame and irrelevant response was something about buying new tires. To
which Sharon replied, “And the wind shield wipers are shredded.” This time,
sirens went off in my head, like the ones on the French police cars in the
movies. The truth was clear now...female logic, time for a new car.
Oh there was wrangling, bartering, gnashing of teeth, and rending of
clothing, a long and pathetic story of how she works me. In the end, we have
the latest, high end, Chrysler van with every extra currently available. It is the
first new car we have bought, and I have to admit I am not unhappy with it.
What a splash. I mean it has everything I will never use. For instance, (and I
am not bragging...well, not here on the board, but I will to some male friends,
in order to carry out a grunting sort of male bonding ritual)…it has, for
instance (in no particular order, and minus what I cannot think of right now):
A built-in iPod connection for music and books on tape
Back-up sensors to tell you if you are about to bump into something
Built-in, hands free, wireless, voice activated phone through the stereo, with
Blue Tooth technology
The CD player holds six disks, another slot for DVD
DVD/video player screen that folds out of the roof
Wireless earphones for separate listening of CD/DVD
GPS mapping device/locator/trip planner
Dual climate control with individual seat heaters (from inside the seat). (We
can control our own individual bum temp!!).
Four fold down (stow and go) seats (flat to the floor) in the back
Automatic back seat climate control (middle and back row seats)
Power open and close side and back doors (no hands)
Flashing lights when passenger side sliding door is activated
Digital engine and fuel performance info in five languages, and today it
informed me, on the digital screen, that one of the tires was under-inflated!
There’s more, much more. The manual looks like a dictionary. I think there
is something in there that can calculate my Social Security benefits, plan
meals, and dispense personal advice. What am I going to do with all this
stuff? I cannot use half of it yet. I cannot even use most of the functions on
my cell phone. Even my microwave has abilities that would alarm a religious
fundamentalist! My daughter shakes her head and calls me the “caveman”.
“Fossil” might be more accurate.
Sharon took a picture of the van with me hanging my elbow out the driver’s
side, all smiling and looking suburban. The photo showed the color as a tan
with undertones of gold, deceptively conservative, for you would never guess
by looking at it what a high tech power plant is inside at my fingertips. One
might wonder why I would buy an electronic muscle car that looks so
ordinary. Sharon says it is because I am subtle. I thought that was a
marvelous compliment! A blunderer like me? Then I thought about it.
"Subtle" is too sophisticated a word for me. “Understated” would be a better
word…yes, understated, and…I would have to add, clueless.
The wisdom of age carries with it the humorous self-knowledge of
considerable ignorance. In the case of me and electronics, that ignorance is
nearly complete.
In Reply to: VANity posted by Jim H. [2857.1444] on October 24, 2004 at 08:33:07:
Good luck with the van, and I hope you got the extended warranty that covers the electronics.
I like to fix Everythibg I have, and am considereding a diagnosticf laptop, IF I ever get rid of my 86', which has some electronics, but I ignore the amber, check engine light, unless it stays on. Auto Zone will test your car for free, so you can but parts there.
I had one of the first electronic ingition devices, back in 63'. Transistor amp to amplify the spark, with a hotter coil. Lasted 6mo and quit at the top of the bridge, going into the next state. I was able to Coast down and pull over. I figured that it might be this spark booster, and Since I installed it, I disconnected it. The car started right up and I heaved the unit. Didn't want to see an electronic ignition again. Now they have the auto version of a Pentium 4. I built my Home edition, my PC, BUT I don't want to have to be figuring out why my fuzzy logic, transmission computer doesn't Let the tranny shift. ..I like a stick anyway, IF I can find one.
I think the best way is to have seperate units, whenever possible. Tieing a PC, DVD, CD, cell phone, etc, into an auto, just gives the repair guys, more to Mess Up...
In Reply to: VANity posted by Jim H. [2857.1444] on October 24, 2004 at 08:33:07:
Wow, Jim.
Sounds like you'll have a wonderful time riding around in your new vehicle!
Best wishes,
Jan
In Reply to: VANity posted by Jim H. [2857.1444] on October 24, 2004 at 08:33:07:
Just make sure the seat heaters' thermostat does not go out, Jim. Imagine a nice long drive to the country and suddenly, your arse starts to get a bit warm :) Been there, done that one!
You will enjoy your new van. Especially if you can figure out the rear headphones once you are actually driving on a trip with the grandkids. They seem to work great in the drive, though. I will warn you that unless you want to listen to Ice Age (whatever) 5 times in a row, this mastering of headphones is a must.
In Reply to: VANity posted by Jim H. [2857.1444] on October 24, 2004 at 08:33:07:
Wow, Jim. That sounds like quite the vehicle you got there! Do you need to wear a metal helmet with antennas on top to get local stations in your van? Sounds like you could live in there! Unlike my '96 Geo Metro 5-speed Hooptie. It's more the size of a roller skate, but the gas mileage is great.
I know what you mean about being electronically-challenged. I've learned to revel in my ignorance, though, as has my hubby in his. One less thing in our lives to stress over. Cars, computers, mechanical thingies... We KNOW that we know nothing about that stuff. We call someone else and thank them profusely, muttering about how we couldn't have done it ourselves. They feel good, we feel good, everybody's happy! LOL!
Happy driving!
In Reply to: VANity posted by Jim H. [2857.1444] on October 24, 2004 at 08:33:07:
Ah! The bourgie surge gets most of us bohemians for a time.
dont' worry it will pass! The van will age and you will wish it didn't have stuck electric window-winds!
Did it have a new-car smell? The most disappointing thing about my new Subaru was that the new-car smell I expected was kinda toxic plastic smell instead.
Jane
In Reply to: VANity posted by Jim H. [2857.1444] on October 24, 2004 at 08:33:07:
Thanks, Jim!
Everyone should do something stupid like this once in their lives. The operative word is "once". Beware when the wife begins to mention, off hand of course, that the curtains in the house are looking dirty and worn :o). Perhaps you could move into the VAN?
Enjoy your extravagance.
Namaste`
Walt
In Reply to: Re: VANity posted by Vince F [173.9] on October 24, 2004 at 11:59:37:
Huh? I agree...I think..whatever you said.
In Reply to: Re: VANity posted by Happygal [2070.350] on October 24, 2004 at 17:06:38:
The best part, Jan, is the fold down seats, which makes getting ready to travel with the dogs so easy. The other one I had to lug the seats out by hand. Ugh!
Jim
In Reply to: Re: VANity posted by ~CT [105.1287] on October 24, 2004 at 19:50:58:
Haven't tried this "extra" yet CT~. I'll heed your advice this winter. Bum warmer...so decadent!
About the DVD. No grandkids. Sharon will probably go to the back leat and leave me alone up front. She'll munch popcorn on long trips and watch...probably not Ice Age.
Jim
In Reply to: Re: VANity posted by Cheezi [50.275] on October 24, 2004 at 23:10:02:
Luckily there is a 70,000 mile service contract on everything, including electronics.
My other car is more like yours, Donna, a late modeled Neon with not a single extra.
Jim
In Reply to: Re: VANity posted by Jane [1475.4] on October 25, 2004 at 04:01:04:
It gets worse, Jane. The new car smell in this one is good, probably because of the leather, but I bought a can of "new car" smell for when the odor begins to diminish. So bad! If the original new car smell isn't toxic, the canned stuff probably is. Pathetic.
Jim
In Reply to: Re: VANity (Archive.) posted by Walt Stoll [9.8] on October 25, 2004 at 06:44:21:
I see you understand the male warning system,Walt. Bet you've been a victim a time or two.
Jim
In Reply to: Re: VANity posted by Jim H. [641.340] on October 25, 2004 at 10:19:42:
Tee hee! What brand is new car smell? Or can I manufacture my own? It would have to be a mixture of a bit of green tea, some Japanese hair pomade and tofu breath?
Jane
In Reply to: Re: VANity posted by Jane [2019.74] on October 25, 2004 at 22:03:32:
I don't know brand what it is, but it comes in a spray can, and you can buy it
at the car wash. It makes the car smell like the day you bought it brand new.
I have no idea what's in it, but it can't be good. I know I'm losing it.
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