This is probably going to sound weird, but I have a question about SR and its effect on my mental state.
My husband and I are probably going to try and get pregnant around the end of this year (I have ordered the book you recommended for me and am awaiting my delivery from Amazon.com). My question is that all of my life, my mom has told me that I will have to pay for everything I did as a child, pardon me if this sounds weird. I was a typical rebellious teenager no worse than anyone else (in some cases not as bad). The thought of have a child sends me into a total panic, I would love to have a child but if I ever stop and think about the responsibility I totally freak out. I don't even know the words to discribe the feelings I get. My question is.......will the SR that I am doing eventually help me with this problem? I have a therapist that I saw in the past regarding additional problems with my mom. I have talked to her about this and she is very sympathetic, but tells me that I am fine and will make a wonderful parent. I just cannot seem to get over this intense fear that I will spawn a devil child that will not love me and will murder me in my sleep. Please tell me that the SR will help me with this. Sorry for sounding so weird, but this is weighing heavily on my mind right now.
Robin
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Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question
Posted by Kyra on January 06, 1999 at 00:29:04:
In Reply to: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Robin Pollan on January 05, 1999 at 21:47:03:
Dear Robin,
Pardon my coming in on this, but what you say strikes a deep empathetic chord. This may sound weird to you, but is it possible that your fears of carrying an "demon" child are a reflection of similar fears that your own mom may have had prior to becoming pregnant with you? I believe from my own experience that when one is getting ready to conceive, one develops a psychospiritual openess akin to the state that women experience throughout pregnancy and for a few months afterwards. If that's the case for you, and your mom's apparent past psychologically abusive behavior towards you coupled with her private garbage are both welling up within you and being directed at you by her in present time, I wouldn't at all be surprised that you'd be having the thoughts you are. My own mom is probably a clinical primitive borderline personality type who was tremendously emotionally abusive to me as a child, just as she was abused. No one could see my emotional scars, but they were intense. I also developed a big fear around bearing children, which in my case started when I was quite young. I figured that if a child came out of my body it would at the least have some bizarre genetic aberration, both due to my own genetic heritage and my personal unworthiness. I'd been coached well in the "bad girl" school of thought, and despite much therapy it would still appear unexpectedly and painfully. I'd also heard endless tales of the horrors of childbirth from my mom, who spared no pain to tell me that my birth had nearly killed her and on occasion that I was a wild child and evil. I'm sure that my poor mom felt absolutely unworthy of being a mother and took it out on me. Eventually I had children, both normal. Having my own kids has turned out to be a tremendously healing experience for me, as I find that I'm a good mom with two loving boys. Becoming a mother also broke the last thread of attachment that I have to my own mom and her junk. Anyway, have faith, Robin. You're going to be a great mom. I believe that the SR will be of immense help to you. Happy conceiving!
Kyra
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Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question
Posted by Peter Wray on January 06, 1999 at 08:10:44:
In Reply to: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Robin Pollan on January 05, 1999 at 21:47:03:
Robin,
I agree with everything Kyra has said.
I think you are experiencing what Kyra calls the "Bad-Girl Thing". In some therapuetic modes you would been seen as in need of re-learning your worthiness. With the use of methods such as NLP, you begin by re-learning your physical being. I believe skilled relaxation will help you rebalance you perception of yourself. Because we are all mind/body/spirit, by effecting change in any one of these areas, you will effect change in the others (both positive and negative).
Best Wishes for a healthy and happy child.
Peter
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Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question
Posted by Robin Pollan on January 06, 1999 at 17:27:59:
In Reply to: Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Kyra on January 06, 1999 at 00:29:04:
Thank you Kyra and Peter for your kind words, it is nice to know that I did not come across as VERY strange. Kyra, it is very nice to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way. I just cannot seem to get past it, even though I know it is not a rational way to think. I appreciate both of your responses to my question and they have helped me alot. Thanks again.
Robin
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Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question
Posted by Robin Pollan on January 06, 1999 at 17:29:32:
In Reply to: Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Peter Wray on January 06, 1999 at 08:10:44:
Peter, what is NLP?
Robin
Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question
Posted by Jenn on January 07, 1999 at 05:10:48:
In Reply to: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Robin Pollan on January 05, 1999 at 21:47:03:
Robin,
Sorry for butting in, but I also can empathize with you. I have had many issues with both of my parents...and now I am a mom and it's been a wonderful experience and I think I am a good mom, and I think you will be too. It's good that you address your feelings, I think that will help you with breaking that cycle. Several years ago, I read a book, it also has some meditation type excercises specifically for healing some of the abuse. It's written by John Bradshaw, "HOME COMING Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child"...I'd reccomend that to anyone who had childhood issues, and it helped me a lot. I've been a mom for four years now, and I have done really well, but I had a hard 3 month period when I moved back near my parents....I had lived away, and felt a lot of pressure to be the kind of parents they were to me...my daughter was 18 months at the time. I had dealt with my child hood issues and prepared for a child of my own, but I wasn't prepared to be a parent with them close in my life. They'd tell me how I spoiled her too much, or if she'd do something that I considered normal curiousity like touch something fragile (she never broke anything...) I'd tell her no, and give her something that was hers to play with and one of them would say some snide remark like "that will really teach her"...I got to the point where I'd snap back "what do you want me to do, beat her the way you did me". They backed off after a while, because I made it clear that this was my daughter and I was going to parent the way I believed was right for me, but it was a hard fight for a while. I started questioning myself and doubting myself...got depressed and thought I wouldn't be a good mom (which nothing is more important to me than that), I got to the point that I just wanted to take my life believing that "the cycle was going to end with me"...but I got mad, stopped focussing on what they were as parents and started focussing on what I was as a parent...and I figured they had taken enough from me, they weren't going to take this, too...I'd worked too hard to be a good mom and that was what I was going to be and to heck with what they thought about my parenting. I'd rather be accused of spoiling a child (which she is emotionally and lovingly), than accused of abusing one...and it began to seem as if they wanted me to be like them, because then some how they could justify themselves, but I don't owe them that, I only owe my best to my children. Just keep your focus and you will be fine. Jenn
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Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question
Posted by cj on January 07, 1999 at 09:33:15:
In Reply to: Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Robin Pollan on January 06, 1999 at 17:27:59:
What is SR?
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THANKS EVERYONE!!
Posted by Robin Pollan on January 07, 1999 at 11:28:24:
In Reply to: Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Jenn on January 07, 1999 at 05:10:48:
I would like to thank everyone for their support and kind words. It really helps alot.
Robin
Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question
Posted by Walt Stoll on January 07, 1999 at 15:34:42:
In Reply to: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Robin Pollan on January 05, 1999 at 21:47:03:
Dear Robin,
The regular practice of effective SR is likely the most powerful, single thing you could do to become a healthy parent.
My mother used to say that the best way she could get back at the "bad things" us children did was to wish us to have children of our own. She had seven and my wife & I had four. I finally understand what she was saying.
Parenthood is perhaps the most important job anyone on the planet can have and it is the only one that requires absolutely no training. Isn't THAT crazy???!!!
Walt
SR means Skilled Relaxation - lots of info on this site...look around! (NMI)
Posted by trish on January 07, 1999 at 15:40:26:
In Reply to: Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by cj on January 07, 1999 at 09:33:15:
NMI means No Message Inside
Re: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question
Posted by Deryk Bramwell on January 09, 1999 at 10:14:14:
In Reply to: Dr. Stoll, I have an important question posted by Robin Pollan on January 05, 1999 at 21:47:03:
Hi Robin,
Try a thought from another angle - and this is from a single parent of an 8 yo girl in his 50s.
Many of our behaviours appear to come from the training that WE received as children. I am from a physically abusive and alcoholic-surrounded childhood.
I learned to walk on eggshells, anticipate situations so I could be 'of use', and then react explosively.
It took me years to un-learn this junk.
My child is normal - cheeky, mischevious, fun, and UNAFRAID. We usually have time to explain things, and I constantly stress that there is nothing she does that can not be shared with me. Whilst she knows that I will not condone some things, I do l not blame HER for errors, and always support her in the attempts to rectify the situation. Note, she does have to work things through so she sees what part she played in whatever it was.
My hope is that as she moves ahead and becomes more of her own person, she will have integrity, and therefore behave in age-appropriate ways. (Remember that in the teen years they are going to struggle with asserting their independence, whilst fighting the urge to still be a child)
I feel sure that, as long as YOU are not a monster, you will have a great chance of rearing a child that will be a super addition to your life.
Off my soap box now - bon chance
Deryk
PS - I am not an angel, and can still be a jerk at times in spite of the above.