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Hi there,
Let me just first say that finding this site saved my life. I came here 8 years back looking for a quick cure for acne, and tried skilled relaxation, diet, and exercise as a last-ditch effort. It worked for the acne (about 80%), but more importantly, I became away of the root causes. Training in meditation and "letting go" taught me how to focus my mind, and I've since gone on to graduate school for a PhD (never would have happened before, as I was too unhappy to think outside of myself). I've also married a very nice and beautiful woman (women liking me was another side effect of the attention training), which leads me to my question.
My wife is a medical student with chronic bracing, acne, and serious digestion problems, all of which go away when she's not in school. I know that she would benefit from learning skilled relaxation, but I've learned that it's hard to give people advice in this area (especially in a close relationship). I can totally understand where she's coming from, as I was there...suggested change means that you think there's something wrong with me, and it makes me defensive, etc...
I know that I need to let her find her own way (even in the midst of Western medical indoctrination), but it's also really taking it's toll on my health and well-being. It's really hard to be at peace when there's someone vibrating so fast all the time, and you can't remove this stimulus from your life or (god forbid) ignore it, which is what I had trained myself to do with stressors. I'm getting chronic back pain, shallow breathing, depression, and scattered thoughts. The true question is, how can I maintain my peace without seeming "holier-than-thou", lacking empathy, or simply leaving? One caveat, we are in a one-bedroom apartment in the middle of a big city, so physical distancing is difficult.
I know this seems like a letter to Cosmo, but I'd really like to know your opinions and advice. Personal criticism is totally welcome, as I just want a solution, and it's tough to find perspective.
-Eric
In Reply to: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 11, 2008 at 21:14:12:
Communication. You need to tell her. I have a friend who is like that. High powered career woman. I told her that she needed to relax, that she was like a flea in a skillet. She laughed. She likes me. :) Let her know how important it is to you and to her, too. You'll find the right words.
In Reply to: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 11, 2008 at 21:14:12:
Hi Eric,
I didn't understand your post. Are you saying that you've abandoned your own practices? If so, then what you need to do is start them again.
Or are you saying that you're still doing your own practices, but she simply does not want to join you?
Keep your focus on yourself and what you can do to help yourself. That doesn't mean leaving, that means you'll have to learn to carve out space for yourself for yourself when you need it.
With my family, I had to teach them that I need regular alone time or else I become very agitated. So when I start getting agitated, now I just tell them I need some time alone, and everyone accommodates me. It works very well. Communication (about your own needs, not about the other person) is the key. I never suggest that they need to change, just that I need to have space for myself.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes,
Jan
In Reply to: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 11, 2008 at 21:14:12:
Thanks, Eric.
You are to be congratulated for what you have learned about yourself. Now you need to learn that you cannot change other people--especially significant others!
Listen to Jan and Ellen while KEEPING YOURSELF HEALTHY. Personal example is your best tool.
Good luck! This MAY take a while.
Walt
In Reply to: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 11, 2008 at 21:14:12:
Yes you can't change other people but you can set the example. Perhaps work as hard as you can on yourself, and if it is helping you, she will eventually bring up the subject herself.
One tip for communication. Try to speak from your love for her. Ask yourself what your goal in the conversation really is. If your objective is to change her so your life will be less stressful, then that is the message you will convey, and she will likely react negatively. If your objective is to tell her that you love her, she will likely react positively.
Have you heard of the enneagram? It might be worth getting each other tested (just borrow or buy a book - doesn't cost anything - or even look online) to see what types you are, and learn about how those types can best support each other. This doesn't take much time and it helped me a lot in understanding my relationship with my wife. I am a "5" (observer) and she is a "2" (giver).
Finally, you might need to consider more drastic measures, like spending extended time apart (a week or more), or even a separation, to re-take control of your health.
Good luck,
Bill
In Reply to: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 11, 2008 at 21:14:12:
forget distancing, try closeness. Buy a yoga or tai chi for couples tape and ask her to participate with you because you want to spend more time with her. Don't tell her it about her physical health, tell her it's to be closer to her. Make sure she has time to participate by taking over some of her chores at home- ideally, cooking and shopping, since that gives you more input into what she eats. Arguing with her creates stress for both of you. Stop arguing and focus on the relationship within the context of what you are trying to do in your own life. Avoid giving her any health advice unless she asks for some, and, if she ever does, limit your advice to the specific question she asks.
Plan exercise together that isn't labelled exercise- invite her to play tennis, go swimming, go for a walk, picnic/hike with you.
Perfect honesty isn't working for you-try dissembling.
In Reply to: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 11, 2008 at 21:14:12:
Hi Eric:
I understand completely.
This site saved my life too. I was near death several times due to the side effects of strong meds etc.
Well, we are all different right and in marriage we are to compliment one an other and we do.
One is strong where the other is weak etc.
It takes focus to take care of yourself doesn't it? It is not easy if your spouse is a bigger eater etc.
I am counting calories right now for the new year and writing down everything I eat daily and bought a wrist blood pressure cuff and I have my pilates, yoga tapes out and I got a reistance band for a door so now my husband is copying my behavior..it is really cute. He always says "me too"...I adore him.
So now we are walking and then he assembled his bike that was hanging in the shed and he checks his blood pressure before and after.
I just had a total hip replacement in October and was in so much pain for so long and inactive I gained weight.So I got up and started moving. Cleaned out my closet and am ready for a brand new me.I have no pain now, got a new hair cut and I dont use a wheelchair anymore and it is fun to see people's reaction.
As for peace and calm. I redid our bedroom, have some Cds that are calming. We have massage oil and table and I have begun taking charge and slowing him down and calming the both of us when I feel his tension etc.In addition we have turned off the TV and watch health programs that are positive or nice movies and I love Lucy.
You can do this Eric. I have confidence in you.You are the opposite of her right now. She needs you to take the lead.
Our homes, no matter the size are a sanctuary from the stress of the world outside and we decide what kind of home environment we want.
Change and improve your diet, take walks etc...have fun and laugh together.
Lovebird
In Reply to: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 11, 2008 at 21:14:12:
Eric:
I forgot to mention we play romantic love music while we eat dinner. It is very nice plus we light a candle for the table.
During a long Christmas vacation we turned off the TV totally because so much on it is so negative.
Lovebird
In Reply to: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 11, 2008 at 21:14:12:
does your wife realize what is causing her stress? Can you help her study, and maybe relieve some of the stress? She may be overwhelmed, and feel she can't do it. If you have a Phd, you should be able to help her and make it easier. Just being involved may help her figure how to get on top of what makes school stressful, and maybe she feels her involvement is taking away from the relationship, but she can't help it, trying to accomplish it. If it was me, I would find out How I could Help her, and try to make it easier for her, and learn some new things myself. Helping her might give you different things to talk about, and help her when she is having difficulty, and bring you closer together, sharing what she is into.
In Reply to: Re: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by lovebird [15.3291] on January 12, 2008 at 14:03:58:
Thanks, Lovebird.
Your healing presence on this BB helps when I cannot.
Namaste`
Walt
In Reply to: Re: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Walt Stoll [93.1903] on January 13, 2008 at 08:29:59:
Dear Dr.Stoll:
You are so kind and any way I have an answer that works for me I will surely help anytime.
I love you
Lovebird
In Reply to: Re: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by lovebird [15.3291] on January 12, 2008 at 14:03:58:
How awesome, thanks!
In Reply to: Re: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Vince F [4572.3780] on January 13, 2008 at 02:17:12:
Thank you all for your help. We have finally passed an important point where my wife has seen how negative reactions to stressors is having a serious impact. Granted, I probably couldn't do medical school without stress. We're going to try some of your suggestions. We already do stuff like massages and baths, but it's a long road...she's never known what peace feels like. She told me that she had been resenting my peace, and that's why she disrupted my practice (she couldn't refrain from interrupting my meditation for more than 5 minutes...It's not like I could get angry...I was meditating, but still). I think that now that's out in the open, I'll be able to have my own practice again, as well as working with her. It was just hard having the sense that I wasn't supposed to be seeking calm, or that I was wasting time.
In the end, I'm really lucky that I have a wife who even wants to think about these issues. She's really lucky that I've already been through the "backing away from the cliff" phase. And, her future patients will be very lucky that she will have knowledge of these tools.
Thanks again!
In Reply to: Re: marriage and skilled relaxation posted by Eric [4754.4381] on January 18, 2008 at 11:42:29:
Hi eric,
I'm glad to hear that you and your wife have been talking about this! May you both experience great inner peace!
Best wishes,
Jan
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