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OK, Mom is doing better. She's in Physical Therapy and the longer she stays, the better.
Here's the problem: she's under the impression that once she gets home, she's just
going to sorta take up where she left off. Drive her cars (she just got a new one)
hither and you, like nothing of much consequence has happened. I've watched her
struggle to hold a small cup of juice, I have no idea where she gets the idea that she'll
ever drive again.
This is not about "human spirit" or what she can accomplish if she sets her mind to it.
This is about the future, say 2 months down the road. I am guaging her motor function
by how much I have to strain to understand what she is saying. Unfortunately, I am
"adapting" to her speech impediment the same way one adapts to a foreign language.
Her vision and motor control are especially troubling, the vision because I can't tell how
much damage was done, and her motor control, because I can.
She says (but she's been known to lie about this) that there is nothing wrong with
her cognitive function, but I keep wondering with all that other damage how her cognitive
function escaped unscathed.
If anyone has some insight on this, please pony up and lay it out.
Thanks.
Lightwalking,
Gregory
In Reply to: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Gregory on April 08, 2002 at 01:41:22:
Hi Gregory,
Your in a really tough position. You have to be the tough gye with your mom now. Shes not going to like it, and will fight you to keep her independence, and continue to fight you every step of the way. If you feel that she cant drive, than you will have to be firm and tell her she cant drive. Dont let her have the keys.. :O) There are many things you are going to go through once she gets home. Life is not going to be the same for either of you. You are going to become the parent now to your mom...I have talked with many friends that go through this, and its a very difficult mind set to deal with.
She may get really angry with you about things....
There are social workers who specialize in these kind of situations that can help you both out with lots of suggestions.
If you have any other questions that come up feel free to ask. My husband is a nurse and works with Social Workers all the time about these same situations. Its very hard on the families as well as the patients.
Hope this has helped you some
Take Care
In Reply to: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Gregory on April 08, 2002 at 01:41:22:
I think its very possible that her cognitive abilities are still there. I've seen people who've had strokes not be able to move certain parts of their bodies and not be able to talk at all but can still communicate and know what's going on. Just because someone has an obvious physical or speech disability, doesnt mean don't have it 'all upstairs' anymore. I worked in an activity center for disabled adults. Many of those people had damage from strokes but were still sharp as a whip. I remember one guy who was in a wheelchair and had no speech at all...also had very limited movement. He used a little hand held machine to type out messages to me. We had a very nice, intellectual converstation going on. Actually, I ended up making an excuse to get out of the converstation because at that time, my dutch language skills weren't good enough to keep up with him!! So, don't sell your mother short.
In Reply to: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Gregory on April 08, 2002 at 01:41:22:
Gregory,
So surprised to read your subject line in reference to dealing with crazy parents. My mom had a stroke a couple of years ago along with other problems and at times is hard to deal with, but I'd never refer to her as crazy.
It didn't take her as long as the doctors had thought to regain her motor skills, but did have other setbacks which she was able to overcome thanks to my dad's dilligent care night and day. Give your mom a chance and keep up her hopes. Who knows, maybe someday she'll once again be able to drive a car though highly doubtful. But it's her will to survive not to guit life!
In Reply to: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Gregory on April 08, 2002 at 01:41:22:
It's been my experience with several of my senior relatives, that once they lose hope of ever being able to resume their lives as they once did, they just give up and die. It's heartbreaking to watch. My FIL (87) was in a nursing home because he couldn't walk or take care of himself. He held on to the idea for a while that once he could "walk again" he would be able to go home. Once the doctor finally told him that his knee would never get better, he took a nose dive and passed away within weeks. I pray that I or any more of my family are never in that position. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all just go quietly in our sleep like the Queen Mum.
Do you really think she's going to make it "home"?
Namaste`
Joanie
In Reply to: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Gregory on April 08, 2002 at 01:41:22:
Gregory,
You need to ask her doctor to specifically direct her to "not drive for awhile". Let her be mad at HIM not you. Then let her know you'll do everything you can to help her make a full recovery.
Good luck,
kt
In Reply to: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Gregory on April 08, 2002 at 01:41:22:
Gregory,
My take on it is this...things will work out.
I would not verbally contradict what she's saying right now. Let her talk. My own parents, thank god, have been great at self policing, and other than suggest some "senior" living arrangement to them (they are now realizing that that's not a bad idea after all), I have not had to take away their keys...
She has this idea because we ALL want our independence, Greg. It's unimagineable for some to think they will be "grounded" for any amount of time, much less the rest of their lives. Some other posters mentioned how some elderly people just give up when that realization hits them.
There is no need to foist this upon her, or wave it in her face right now. Just take one day at a time. She may come to the realization herself, like my own mother did.
Luckily, dad and I know her well enough to know if we'd told her she couldn't drive, THEN she'd die trying!!!! Allowing it to be her own decision kept the control in her hands, and made it a responsible choice that SHE made.
I know not every parent will see it this way, but I'd still encourage you to take the more passive route for as long as possible, and guide her by planting suggestions instead of trying to take over the controls.
If all else fails, you might be able to arrange it so that she has to have another driving test...
Hope this helps a bit. I think so much of this is going by "feel", a little bit at a time.
~~~8>
In Reply to: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Gregory on April 08, 2002 at 01:41:22:
Hi Gregory,
You're in a very challenging position. This is some perspective I can give you. Your Mom has had a huge scare with her health recently. It has likely forced her to confront the reality of her death straight on. From the stroke she's also lost a lot of things that used to be part of her normal life and things that we all take for granted. We all grieve our losses, and your Mom is undoubtedly grieving her's now, whether she's really aware of it. Asserting that she's going to drive and live like she did before the stroke is an attempt to put some normalcy back into her life. I think that any of us would want to do the same thing.
My advice is to let her do as much as she is able to do for herself. It's important that she retains her independence and not feel helpless. But, it's also important that she not hurt herself, as you're concerned she might do if she drives. I would discuss this openly with her and let her know that you understand the loss she's experienced and her need for independence and a normal life. She probably understands from the cues that her body is giving her already that she cannot drive, but may still assert that she wants to.
Also, it's very important that you get support too as the caregiver. I think that a lot of caregivers do too much for others and don't take care of themselves. If you don't care for yourself, though, then its very hard for you to care for someone else. : )
Take care of yourself. It's an amazing gift you're giving your Mom.
Daisy
In Reply to: It's all relative... posted by labrat on April 08, 2002 at 10:42:26:
Excellent advice, labrat! I, too, went through this with my dad. He refused to admit to himself that he should no longer safely drive his car. Then one day he decided he was going to drive to his office and asked me to go with him.
I could tell he was very nervous, and halfway there he pulled over and said he was too tired and that I should take the wheel. It was sad, but he never tried to drive again. If I had refused to give him the keys he would have had to prove something to me, knowing him, and it could have been disasterous! Raisa
In Reply to: Re: It's all relative... posted by Raisa on April 08, 2002 at 10:56:40:
Labrat and Raisa are right. You don't want to destroy any progress by giving her the bad right away, give her time to accept what has happened to her body. Give her time and lots of patience and understanding most of all. I am glad to hear she is doing better!!! Keep up the good sense of humor, I know what you are going through I almost lost my dad to kidney failure about a year and a half ago. So we will keep up the prayers, you keep up your spirits and I think you both will be okay!!!!
Charity
In Reply to: Re: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Joanie on April 08, 2002 at 08:45:44:
In Reply to: Re: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by B.B. on April 08, 2002 at 06:48:43:
Mom has a tendency to "bend reality." In her world, things happen a certain way, the way
things can only happen between close family members, or the way witnesses to the same crime
see different things. To me, it's just crazy.
As regards this.. this OK, see to me, this is a "crisis," to her, it is an inconvenience.
Initially, when first being admitted to the hospital, she seemed to think the whole thing
was some sort of a mistake. Sort of "let's go home and everything will be fine." I'm not
sure if she understood the magnitude of what had happened or not, but the attitude lasted for
a considerable amount of time. It was kind of scary, like she had lost touch with reality, or
at least my reality.
She's still Mom, still feisty, still independent, still opinionated, but I am
aware that a lapse in judgement precipitated this (she had ingested massive amounts of
sugary foods over a 2 month period, hid the evidence (not well enough), lied about it
and then resumed eating the sugary items. She describes herself as "borderline diabetic"
which to her means "practically not diabetic at all" and to me means "diabetic." To me it's
either/or like being pregnant. Either you are or you aren't.
From my point of view she simply rationalzed that since she wasn't really diabetic, she
could eat stuff that would put a normal person into a sugar coma.
OK, see, I know that this is being taken out of context. The background to all this is that
I have being dealing with my diabetes longer than anyone in the family, without any major problems.
My brother had it a shorter amount of time, had more problems, and died from "diabetic complications."
My mother "developed it" (yes, R. I know, but I don't really have the "internal terrain"
model down pat yet. Something "caused" it) about a year &
a half ago after long years of
blood sugar problems, and has dealt with the condition very poorly. My father also has
blood sugar imbalance problems, but has been far more dilegent in taking care of
himself (although for the most part the taking care took place *after* the stroke).
So for all my strange ideas regarding health (well, the fam thinks it's strange, not ME), I'm
still here, with no major problems, and watching over THEM.
While I'm busy being a Type 0 diabetic, I am watching my mother being in denial. And yes,
from my point of view, she is crazy. I had told her prior to this crisis that what she was
doing was going to land her in the hospital, and she ignored it in the way the parents routinely
ignore words of wisdom from their
offspring...
I didn't mean to rant & rave. Kinda slipped out. But you get my drift?
Thanks for the soapbox.
Gregory (worrying)
In Reply to: Re: In The Driver's Seat. Labrat & anyone else dealing with crazy parents. posted by Daisy on April 08, 2002 at 10:51:31:
Thanks, Daisy.
Wonderful insight for a very difficult situation.
Namaste`
Walt
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