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Hello,
I have a friend who does not leave the house and constantly complains about different illnesses,most of which exist only in her head.It has been like that for over a decade.Whenever she decides to get out (to the doctor,of course,but it only happens a couple of times per year.The rest of the time,she goes by self-diagnosis) she won't do it alone but always with some family member.
I have confroted her many times in different ways and asked which is the real reason why she does not want to get out,but she is very skillful on taking the conversation back to her health problems and blaming her lack of life on "her poor health." I'm not only tired of listening to her complain but it does not resolve anything.It's the same story year after year.So,what should I do?
I've been listening to her complain about horrible sinus pains for the last three years,during which I have done research and have told her to try anything I thought that would help.Nothing has helped because "her sinus problem is worst".
Well,she finally decided that it would be best for her to have surgery,so she went for a MRI (I think it's called )and.....guess what? There is not sinus problem.
I have had it,and I won't listened to her health problems anymore,but I would still like to help her.
What would you do if she were you friend?
In Reply to: Hypocondria posted by M. on August 08, 2003 at 08:21:49:
Does she have family nearby that can come with you to talk to her? You don't want to attack her but tell her that you are worried about her and want to help. Offer to take her to the doctor and be her friend. I had a friend with hypocondria also and I got sick and tired of listening to her "problems". But with this sickness they really believe they are sick. Just the fact that you posted this shows that you are worried for her.
Good luck!
In Reply to: Hypocondria posted by M. on August 08, 2003 at 08:21:49:
Hypochondria IS a sickness - and it's possible that she has real symptoms and that they are being labeled as "hypochondria" - I've seen that happen to people... I myself had it, as recent as a few months ago - because of extreme anxiety and brain chemistry issues.
People develop it for different reasons though - and it's common that med students even get it while studying illnesses!
So, I'd talk to her really upfront about it - and validate what she feels physically - and see if the symptoms corrolate with her emotional life also.
In Reply to: Hypocondria posted by M. on August 08, 2003 at 08:21:49:
How is it that you know that these symptoms are only in her head? I hope it is not because the medical community has failed to find and answer for her. Believe me, every single one of my doctors has suggested if not told me that my IC-like symptoms are in my head for the simple reason that they cannot figure out what they really are and heaven forbid they admit that there is a disease out there that they have not figured out yet. I have family members who all but shove prozac down my throat because they have decided that there is no way that I could actually be in pain since the doctors cannot find something wrong and one who tells me it is my fault I am in pain because I will not drug myself with antidepressants. IF there is a .001% chance it is not in her head please take a second to realize how infuriating it must be to have someone tell you you are imagining a problem and how helpless she must feel if no one can figure out what is wrong with her.
If it is all in her head, I hope that when you have spoke with her about her problems you do not express yourself in the same way as in your post. I felt like you were saying that her pain is fake and that could not be farther from the truth. Even if her pain is derived from her psyche to her it is as real as if it were derived from a biological cause. When people tell me my pain is in my head I would not be angry if that is what they really meant - it is the fact that they are suggesting 1. It is not real and 2. It is my fault that I am in pain and if I would snap myself out of it it would go away. I don't mean this to be cruel, but I am not sure you are at all the right person to help her until you get a better understanding of the "realness" of her problem - and by that I mean a more solidly founded idea of whether her problem is biological or psychological and a better understanding of how real her pain is even if it is psychologically derived.
It sounds liek you genuinely want to help your friend. Many people, however, are very quick to label problems that docs can't diagnose as psychosomatic and, ironically, are quick to dismiss psychosomatic illnesses as something the sufferer can simply snap out of. This may or may not be you but if it is it is something to think about.
I hope you friend feels better, OMW
In Reply to: Hypocondria posted by M. on August 08, 2003 at 08:21:49:
M, If she is truly not sick, give her a sugar pill..The Doc gave my grandmother that years ago when nothing was wrong with her and it did work..The palcbo effect..Steve
In Reply to: Re: Hypocondria posted by OMW on August 08, 2003 at 11:07:16:
I know most of her syptoms are only in her head,and she knows that too.If you tell her to try something,most of the time she won't even do it.For example,I have suggested her many times thoughout these three years to see an iridologist/herbologist for her sinus problem.There was always an excuse not to make the appointment.I think she knows deep down that her problem is not physical,but she won't do anything to change that.She just keeps using physical symptoms as an excuse to hide from the rest of the world.She knows this.
She will go to a western doctor,maybe once a year,and them blame it all to "doctors know nothing and the medical world is corrupted."
Reading your email I have felt that you are the one ready to label me and put me in the same box as the people who have labeled you,and I'm not one of them.Maybe I haven't expressed myself well.Sorry about that.English is not my first language.Thank you all for posting.
In Reply to: Re: Hypocondria posted by Steve on August 08, 2003 at 13:18:29:
Thank you for posting,but she won't even try different stuff to try to make her "extremely horrible menstrual pains" better.She KNOWS nothing will help her,so she prefers to remain home and complain about her period for a week.
Sugar pill won't do it,but I appreciate your post.
In Reply to: Hypocondria posted by M. on August 08, 2003 at 08:21:49:
Hi M,
It sounds to me like she has agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) and is using her health complaints as an excuse to stay home. You might do some research on this and see what you think.
You know, if she doesn't want to get better, there is nothing you can do about it. You can lead a horse to water ...
You may just have to love your friend the way she is. Here's another thought -- Have you started doing the 3LS yourself? Maybe you could be an example for her, and if she really does want to get better, it is something she can do at home.
Best wishes,
Happygal
In Reply to: Hypocondria posted by M. on August 08, 2003 at 08:21:49:
Hi, M.
Although it is POSSIBLE that her "docs" have missed a diagnosis, if you have been following this BB, you know that people with much worse problems have reversed them by the simple expedient of wellness. She has nothing to lose but her lifestyle (which she is enjoying the hell out of--believe it or not) by practicing wellness for a year or so.
However, she would have to give up her hobby to do so and I do not see her doing that. Know that every person who listens to her complaints is enabling her to keep up the way she is.
I believe your option is to love her as she is and know that leaving when she begins to complain is the best thing you can do for her. Pick up any good dog training book.
Let us know how YOU do.
Walt
In Reply to: Re: Hypochondria (Archive.) posted by Walt Stoll on August 09, 2003 at 07:18:16:
Thank you so much Dr.Stoll and Happygal.You are both right.
In Reply to: Re: Hypocondria posted by M. on August 08, 2003 at 21:34:36:
Sorry if that is what I did. I hope your friend feels better soon and Walt's post contradicts mine and he sure is a better source than me - guess you are doing the right thing by not coddling her.
I didn't realize she thought her problem was mental too. I would not have posted had I known that. By the way, your post was written absolutely fine, so, I would have never known English was not your first language.
Again sorry if I was quick to jump to a conclusion I shouldn;t have
In Reply to: Re: Hypocondria posted by OMW on August 09, 2003 at 19:12:15:
No problem.I understand your point.I just wanted to make sure others were understanding mine.Thanks for posting.
In Reply to: Hypocondria posted by M. on August 08, 2003 at 08:21:49:
My mother is always complaining that somthing is wrong with her. Every single day she has a headache or she feels like she cant breath and I just wont listen to her complain anymore. She tells me horrible things like she is going to die. I just dont believe her anymore. She says that when she is lying in the coffin then we will believe her, but it will be to late. I have been telling her that it is all in her head and that she has hypocondria, but she thinks that I am making fun of her. I just cant live like this anymore. Please help me figure out what to do!
In Reply to: Re: Hypocondria posted by L on August 17, 2003 at 22:00:05:
Hi, L.
If she has had a professional evaluation and nothing has been found, it does not mean that there is nothing wrong but does say that her best alternative to feeling miserable is serious wellness.
However, since that would take serious effoert on her part, this is going to be up to her. If she will not do it then your option is to do like dog trainers do: when she is doing unproductive behavior (such as telling you all her problems) you stop paying attention to her even to the extent of leaving. Hypochondriacs get a lot out of telling symptoms and those who listen are enabling. You are going to just have to love her as she is. Just do not enable her.
Walt
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